Love Fades
by vampiredream83
Summary: For five years Rose has lived on the other side of the world, attempting to rid the pain left by his words. But now a Royal visit to the academy she is working at threatens to ruin everything she has built for herself.
1. Chapter 1

I woke early. It wasn't so strange for that to happen these days. My days were filled with classes and teenage drama, so the morning was the only time I really got to myself. I cherished the time I had before the academy woke up. I could pretty much do whatever I wanted, and I wanted nothing more than to run.

I pulled myself from the warmth of my bed and changed into a pair of running shorts and a tank top before running out the door. The cool air slapped against my bare skin as soon as I left the accommodation building, but I didn't mind. It was only autumn – as they call it here – and the temperatures never got as low as I'd grown up with.

My feet crunched against the gravel of the path as I headed towards the running field. My earphones were deep within my ears, a song about lost love reverberated through my skull. My steps were in perfect time to the beat, but the words stung. The words caused my heart to break and sink even lower in my chest.

It had been almost five years, yet the pain was as raw as if it had only happened only yesterday. I'd spent five years on the other side of the world hoping – wishing – it would get easier. I thought my love for him would eventually fade, just as his love for me had done. But I guess I wasn't that lucky. I still loved him with every fibre of my being, no matter how much those four soul-shattering words still hurt.

I picked up my pace as I felt the tears threatening to spill. Physical exertion was my only friend. I'd tried getting drunk so another man could be in my bed, but he hadn't even made it past the front door. I'd tried talking about it with someone I didn't know, but their psycho-analysis had only pissed me off. I'd even tried everything in my power to just not think about it, but his memory always wound its way into my mind. So now I ran – usually for hours – until I felt I had some level of control over my emotions.

My feet hit the ground hard and fast as I pushed myself harder. It didn't make sense that running would allow me the peace I needed from the shadow of my past. It was the exact thing Dimitri had made me do when he'd begun mentoring me. It's all he'd let me do for weeks. I hated it at first, but then he'd finally explained why running was so important. He'd told me why I needed to keep up my stamina in order to be the great guardian I'd longed to be.

So no, it made no sense whatsoever that running helped me when beating the shit out of a punching bag wouldn't. It made so sense why doing the very thing that brought me closer to him once upon a time would help when drinking myself into oblivion never did. But it did help. So I ran…and ran…until Dimitri was the furthest thing from my mind.

I started heading back to my room, pushing myself into a sprint on the final path. I was so caught up in how my body was reacting to the pressure I placed it under that I didn't see anything out of the ordinary until I was sprawled across the dirt. I pushed myself to my feet instantly, dropping easily into a defensive stance. Despite the amount of energy I'd just expended I was more than ready to protect myself. I didn't even stop to consider that the sun was still shinning.

I somewhat relaxed as I saw Guardian Nichols in front of me. His hands busied themselves over the length of his body as he attempted to rid his clothes of the dirt they were now stained with.

"What the hell Rose?" he snapped.

"Could ask you the same thing," I replied as I rolled my eyes. He was still trying to get the dirt off his pants.

"I'm the one you just balled over," he accused.

"Ever heard of staying out of the way of a woman on a mission?" I asked with a bitter smile. "If not, you just have, so maybe you can heed the warning now."

Guardian Nichols had been one of the first people I'd met when I'd started at the academy. He had seemed nice. He'd taken it upon himself to welcome me, give me the tour of the grounds and each of the buildings, but little did I know he wasn't doing it just because he was a good guy. The niceties ceased when I got on his bad side.

I guess rejection can do that to a man.

"And what's the mission?" he bit back. "Seeing how many decent people you can plough over before the day actually starts?"

"Oh get over yourself," I said as I turned my back to him.

I jogged back to my building, but made sure I didn't lose myself in the rhythm. That was no easy feat given the anger that bubbled inside me from the altercation with Sam. I wish he didn't get under my skin as much as he did. I knew he did only because of the open wounds that wouldn't seal. He was just another reminder that no matter what I tried, I just couldn't get over Dimitri.

The shower did little to help my mood. It didn't matter how long I stayed under the hot stream of water, anger still flowed through me, aching to be released. With a twist of the shower nob the water hit my skin harder, attempting to unknot muscles that were as stubborn as me.

Eventually I gave up. I couldn't stay in the shower all day – unfortunately – when I had classes. I changed into a pair of sweatpants and a sports shirt before heading to the staff cafeteria for breakfast.

I'd been hired at the academy two months before its doors had opened for the first time. My initial position had been as a guardian. I patrolled the wards and occasionally escorted moroi into town when they had appointments. It was a far cry form being my dream job, I was even further from being the great guardian I'd dreamed I'd be, but I didn't complain. The worst part was that nothing I did occupied my mind enough to keep unwanted thoughts out. As I patrolled the wards and dormitories my mind would always wander. Of course I kept the majority of my mind on my job, but healing wasn't possible when Dimitri crept into my mind at every available opportunity.

Two years after I started one of the novice instructors left the academy, leaving a position that needed to be filled immediately. While I had no experience in the role I offered to stand in while they worked through the process of hiring a new instructor. Two and a half years later I'm still waiting for my replacement. I'm not complaining by any means. I love my job. I love the fact that I'm training the future of guardians. And leading classes all day leaves a lot less time for my thoughts to be invaded.

The academy is the first of it's kind. The academy as no affiliation with the royal court, and neither do the staff. That's not why I applied for the job of course. I was intrigued by the way teaching was approached at the academy. It was different to any other academy in the world, mainly because they didn't require royal permission to do what they wanted to do.

Defensive and offensive magic was taught to moroi as soon as they came into their element. If the moroi or their parents didn't wish for their child to learn those skills – which had never happened – they would attend a different class. By teaching the moroi students to defend themselves it set them up with a higher survival rate than moroi who didn't learn those skill. Moroi also took physical education classes which taught them self defence and worked on their magical stamina.

The novice dhampirs were taught how to use stakes much younger than St Vladimir's had allowed us. Once the novice's were certified to use the stakes they were permitted to carry them around the campus. This had been hard for me to begin with, I mean to see armed sixteen year olds walking around the campus was unnerving. But when I really thought about it, it held logic. If anything happened on the academy, there was more defence, and it also had the novice's tackling the responsibility at the academy instead of just being thrown out into the real world.

It made me wonder if Mason, Eddie and I had been armed when we'd been held by the strigoi if the outcome would have been different. The only weapon I'd had was a dull sword. If I'd had a stake would I have been able to save Mason?

I entered the cafeteria and headed straight for the hot food. My run always left me in desperate need of food, and bacon and eggs always filled that void. I piled my plate high and grabbed a donut before heading to an empty table. I would normally sit with someone at meals, but my anger was on a lose leash and I didn't want to let it loose on someone who didn't deserve it.

"Have you heard about the staff meeting Guardian Hathaway?" I was asked as I piled more bacon in my mouth.

I glanced up to see Harrison standing in front of me, one of the moroi teachers. "No, I haven't. When is it?" I asked once I'd swallowed my mouthful.

"Tomorrow afternoon," he said. "Everyone has to attend."

It wasn't strange for staff meetings to be called at short notice, it happened all the time, mainly because we didn't have weekly meetings to begin with. What was strange was that everyone would be attending. Normally the moroi teachers met separately. There wasn't much need for us to meet altogether unless there was a major issue.

I hadn't heard of anything happening lately. The last time a full staff meeting had been called it had been because of a group of moroi were using magic outside of class. While the moroi teachers had dealt with it, they needed the guardians to be filled in on the situation so we could keep an eye out for any group looking suspicious.

"Any idea what it's about?" I asked as I swirled scrambled eggs around on my plate.

"Word is getting around about a royal visit," he said with a laugh. "Like any royals would want to visit this academy. We do everything they hate, and there's nothing they can do to change it."

He was right, everything at the academy was just about the polar opposite of any of the academies around the world. And there was nothing that could be done about it either. The academy had been set up outside the jurisdiction of court for that exact reason. We received no funding or help from the rest of the moroi society, and we sure as hell had never accepted any help from court.

But still, just the thought of a royal visit had my nerves on edge. _Surely Tatiana wouldn't want to come all the way over here,_ I told myself. It didn't help though. I knew if Tatiana wanted something, she would go to great lengths to get it. Including travelling to the other side of the world.

"I'll believe it when I see it," I told him nonchalantly. "I've met the Queen before, I don't think she'd want to come here."

"The old Queen you mean?" he asked. As he saw my confusion he continued. "Queen Ivashkov retired about a year ago."

"Oh," I muttered. I'd stayed far away from everything that had anything to do with court, so it was news to me that Tatiana had retired. "Who did she name as her successor?"

"Some young Princess that apparently showed a lot of promise," he explained. "I can't think of the name. Isn't one of the usual royal families."

"Dragomir?" I asked, hoping I was wrong.

"Yeah, that's it," he confirmed. "Vasilisa Dragomir."

My stomach sank as her name echoed in my mind. I hadn't been pulled into my bond mate's head for a long time. When I left court I had worked hard to build up my mental strength so I could block her. I'd become so good at it that even at the most emotional times she wasn't able to have any grab on me.

So I had absolutely no idea that she had become Queen of the moroi. It didn't surprise me though, and it cemented even more that I was right to leave. With me around Vasilisa wouldn't have succeeded anywhere near this much. My reputation had hung over her like a hangman's noose.

"Well see you at the meeting," Harrison said as he waved over his shoulder.

"Yeah…can't wait," I mumbled, suddenly wishing I would be swallowed alive.


	2. Chapter 2

I dreamt of one of the 'what ifs' I'd fantasied about over the years. My head had conjured these little scenarios to torture me with. What if Dimitri hadn't fallen out of love with me? What if our relationship hadn't had been shrouded in secret? What if…what if…what if!

It was stupid of me to fantasise about such things. My reality was a far site different to any of the situations I found myself dreaming up. And the little scenarios only hurt when they played out for me in my dreams. They only reminded me of everything I had lost.

The scenario chosen by my ever loving sub-conscious had been what if # 15. What if Dimitri and I had got married? The dream itself had been beautiful. I'd worn a stunning strapless white dress and Dimitri had been in a fitted black tux. We had exchanged our vows in the shade of a flowering garden as the sun kissed my shoulders through the shadows. Dimitri's words had melted my heart as he promised to love me even in the afterlife. Afterwards, we had celebrated with our family and friends. It hadn't been anything huge, but we had laughed as we sipped wine, sharing stories that made my heart swell. I had never felt so blessed in my life.

And then I woke up. The torment of the dream crashed down on me, leaving me fighting for breath as I came to terms with the fact that it was all just a dream. Dimitri was no longer with me, he hadn't been with me for five long years. And it hurt just as much as it had when he'd uttered those words. Not only was he not with me, but he not longer loved me.

I dragged myself out of bed and dressed for my morning run. I left my iPod in my room, deciding the sounds of nature and the quiet academy were better than a song that would likely leave me in tears. I pushed myself harder than I had in a long time. After only a few minutes my legs were aching, but I kept going. Pushing myself almost to the brink of collapse.

But it wasn't enough to stop the thoughts. It wasn't enough to ease the pain in my heart.

I headed for the gym, thankful I had woken earlier than usual. It meant I had time to blow off steam in other ways. I walked to the punching bags – leaving the gloves hanging from their post – and began laying into the padded leather as if my life depended on it. At least one thing was clear to me, my sanity very much depended on it.

Jab, jab, dodge, jab, jab, dodge. I continued like this as my arms warmed to the motions. My body was nimble as I moved around the bag. I watched every slight sway the bag made as it moved away from the increasing violence of my attacks. I slammed into the bag over and over with my fists before adding my feet into the mix.

Jab, jab, dodge, kick, kick. Jab, jab, dodge, kick, kick. My muscles warmed and rejoiced as I picked up the pace. But still my mind continued to taunt me with Dimitri.

It hadn't been this bad since just after I'd left court. I'd learnt how to control it though. I'd learnt how to counteract my thoughts with physical exertion. But the run hadn't helped, and either had attempting to turn the punching bag into pulp. And I was quickly running out of ideas.

Classes for the day would start no matter what my mind was doing. But for the sake of the novices I needed to get my head under control. They didn't deserve my wrath all because my love life was currently ruling my life.

Sadly I knew why my thoughts had skyrocketed out of control. Dreaming about Dimitri hadn't helped of course, but it had more to do with the prospect of a royal visit. I knew if Vasilisa was coming Dimitri would be right behind her. Obviously he would be here, there was no way Vasilisa wouldn't have chosen him as one of her royal guards. He was the best guardian I knew for the job.

And just the thought of Dimitri being in my safe haven left my heart thumping and my head spinning. This was my place, my escape – even if it hadn't exactly worked in my favour – from everything royal, everything Dimitri. He would invade it, and I had no idea how I'd be after he left.

I stepped away from the bag breathing heavily as the first tear escaped my duct. There was no way in hell I could allow myself to cry in the middle of the gym. Anyone could have walked in, and showing that kind of weakness to anyone was out of the question. I shook myself off, loosening my muscles, before I started running again.

I made it to my room and shut the door behind me just as the barrage of tears hit. I slipped out of my sweat-drenched clothes and into the shower as sobs wracked my body. Tears continued to spill as I washed the evidence of my ravaged workout from my body. And they continued to fall as I washed my hair.

Leaning my head against the cool tile wall so the water could hit the muscles across my shoulders and down my back, I thought about my options. If there was indeed going to be a royal visit, I had to find a way to get out of being at the academy without looking like I was running – again. Surely after five years I had some vacation days?

But a thought hit me so hard I almost stumbled backwards. If the Queen was visiting our small academy, wouldn't they expect all hands on deck to provide extra protection? I groaned as the realisation that I was absolutely stuck hit me. Of course they wouldn't be granting any time off during the visit. They would want the academy fully operational and fully protected for the length of the visit.

As much as the academy wasn't affiliated to the royal court, they wouldn't exactly want to have any risk of hard coming to the Queen. Affiliated or not, they wouldn't allow anything to happen to anyone visiting the academy.

I got dressed for the day, but decided to skip breakfast. I was suddenly feeling turned off food…and company. Instead I sat at my desk and worked on the new programs for the older novices. They seemed to think that once they were certified in the use of stakes that they could begin to slack off until they graduated. It was my job to ensure that didn't happen.

The day moved along normally once classes began and the academy was alive. I constantly kept myself busy throughout the day, silently hoping something would happen so that I would have to miss the staff meeting. I'd even considered swapping shifts with someone patrolling the wards.

My last class of the day rolled around too quickly. It was my youngest novice class and they had only just started sparring with their classmates. Eight year olds learning to fight often had me struggling to hide my amusement, but they were also the most straining class I took. More often than not they wouldn't listen to instructions, so half the time was spent calling their attention to what they were going to be attempting. And once they were paired off I needed multiple sets of eyes to ensure everyone was doing as they were supposed to.

By the time the day had finished I was exhausted – mentally and physically. I wanted nothing more than to fall into my bed and forget the day had happened entirely. But instead, I walked towards the administration building so I would make the meeting on time.

By the time I made it to the set of rooms that had been opened up to form one large space there was standing room only. I tucked myself away against the wall, hidden behind two larger guardians as I waited for the headmaster to begin the meeting.

Headmaster Phillips was nothing like the headmistress at St Vladimir's had been. He took an entirely different approach to running his academy. He actively taught classes for both the moroi and dhampir, and you would often find him eating in the cafeteria with the students. That's not to say he wasn't hard when someone broke the rules. It wasn't uncommon to hear his rant from outside the administration building, even though his office was located on the other side. But for the most part, the students and staff at the academy had a great deal of respect for the man.

The head guardian was much the same. He generally came off as laid back and good hearted until you got on his bad side. He expected the best from every guardian employed by the academy, whether they patrolled or instructed. But he also rewarded the hard work we put in. I'd always found him extremely approachable, although, I'd never been on his bad side.

"I think that's everyone," Headmaster Phillips stated as he stood from his chair. "I'm sure you will catch everyone up who isn't here."

He paused to briefly shuffle through his paperwork, and as he did so hushed conversations broke out around the room. It was hard to hear most of them, but from the ones around me I figured they were mostly based on the royal visit – if there was going to be one.

"Alright, a bit of hush thank you," he said, stopping to wait for the conversations to cease. "Now I know there has been a lot of speculation around this meeting, I also know it is rare for us all to gather for an announcement, but this occasion in particular called for as many staff to be present as possible." He rose his head, looking around the room as he spoke his next words. "It is true that there will be a royal visit."

Conversations broke out again, but this time they weren't either hushed or contained. I could head the excitement in some voices, but I heard suspicion in others. I pegged the suspicion as a fair call. After all, for five years no royal has taken a second glance at the academy, they chose to turn and look the other way as we taught students the opposite of their beliefs. So what had changed?

Were the royals now trying to worm their way in and take control of our academy? The thought was bitter in my mind, but it wasn't something I could discount, as much as I would have liked to. Why wouldn't the royals want control over something they didn't have? Why wouldn't they want to claim what had never been theirs to begin with?

"I know this comes as a shock," Phillips said once the majority of the conversation had died down. "The court hasn't wanted anything to do with us since we opened our doors, so it is surprising they have now chosen to come and see what we are about. But I have been assured that her Majesty only wishes to see how we train our students."

"How can we trust that?" someone called out, but from the density of the crowd I couldn't see who it was.

"Well, there's no way we can know for sure," he replied honestly. "But from what I've heard, and not just from court itself, the new Monarch is very interested in training moroi in defensive magic. Since this is the only academy that teaches in such a way she wanted to visit and sit in on some classes."

"So the moroi are the only focus of this visit?" I heard myself ask. I had barely thought the words before they'd slipped through my lips.

"Of course not," Phillips said. "But I will leave that for Guardian Scholl to go over. For now is there any other questions?"

"When will they arrive?"

"Unfortunately I don't have that information," he said and I picked up a hint of frustration in his tone. "The court believes it is best to hold travel plans to themselves, in order to keep the Queen as safe as possible. Any other questions?" He paused again, glancing around the room, before handing proceedings over to the head guardian.

"I know this is all very exciting," Guardian Scholl said gruffly, "and everyone will have an opportunity to enjoy the visit. But it will also be a very busy time, for the guardians especially."

So far Guardian Scholl hadn't said anything I hadn't been expecting. All patrols would have to be at least doubled, especially during the darks hours. We would be the security detail for the visit, and if anything happened while the royal party was visiting it would be our heads that would roll. It was a case of 'no pressure or anything, but if there's an attack – even if you didn't know about it before hand – or anything that could possibly bring harm to the Queen, your head will be on the chopping block'.

"Since we don't have the royal schedule ahead of time, we will need to be prepared," he continued. "For the guardians this means patrol schedules will change at the drop of a hat. You will need to be prepared, and I suggest you get as much sleep as you can now."

Sleep. That was a novel idea. Especially since I'd had so little the night before. Before I'd fallen into the dream of Dimitri and my wedding I'd woken continuously. And now that the news had been confirmed, now that the royal visit was definitely happening, I couldn't foresee me sleeping until they had gone.

"I will need volunteers from the training staff to take on patrol shifts to help with the efforts," Guardian Scholl announced. "I know the strain of taking classes and patrolling will be great, but we are hoping to ease that by relieving you of some of your classes. The Queen had expressed interest in getting to know the students, and she also mentioned her guardians could take some of the classes in your absence."

The first sign of relief I'd felt since the previous day. I would be more than happy to take the extra shifts patrolling the wards. Tiredness didn't bother me as much as not having an escape while the visit was in progress. It was definitely the lesser of two evils. With any luck I'd be so tired by the end of my day that I would fall into a dreamless slumber.

The meeting wound up and the doors were instantly clogged by everyone trying to leave. I stayed where I had stood as the room cleared. A few minutes later I approached Guardian Scholl and told him I was more than happy to take extra shifts to patrol the wards.

"I mean, the royal party needs to be protected while they're here," I told him, my voice earnest despite my avoidance of the entire truth.

"Thank you Guardian Hathaway," he said with a smile. "I only hope more of the guardians will have your enthusiasm. You'll be notified as soon as the rosters for the visit are released.

As I walked out of the administration building I felt a sense of accomplishment. Yes the royal visit was going to be a strain on my mental energy, but at least I'd found a way to avoid any contact with them altogether.

It pained me to avoid Vasilisa, but I didn't have the answers she would want. I couldn't even begin to apologise for my selfishness when I wasn't exactly sorry to begin with. I'd left her with only a letter in my place, but I'd done so with good intentions. She's been right all along. Dimitri needed to heal, and he wasn't going to be able to do that while I was still hanging around. And I knew myself well enough to know I couldn't avoid the temptation of being near him while I was still on court.

I had also needed time to heal. The pain of losing Dimitri after I'd only just got him back was something I couldn't express in words. And being near him when I couldn't actually _be_ with him, well that was a fate worse than death for me. If I'd had any chance of moving on, I needed to be well away from him.

The cool air danced around me as I walked back to my room. Skipping two meals in one day wasn't a great idea, but I could catch up on food tomorrow. For now I just wanted to sleep. For a few sweet hours I just wanted to forget about the entire day. I wanted to forget about the stress and lack of sleep I had coming my way. I just wanted to be at peace for a few hours.

It was a big ask considering I hadn't been at peace in over five years.


	3. Chapter 3

What if # 33 – what if Dimitri came back into my life? This particular what if scenario was fast becoming a reality. And I had no say in the matter. I felt sick. Just the thought of the royal visit caused my stomach to churn violently. I had offered to take extra shifts patrolling the wards, and it had made me feel better. But after that initial feeling had worn off I'd been left feeling like it wasn't enough.

And to make everything a whole lot worse, the academy was buzzing with the news. A royal visit wasn't something anyone had ever anticipated. It had always been a pipe dream really. Something everyone said would be amazing, though they knew it would never happen. But now, everywhere I went was alive with excitement and nervousness.

Thankfully no one knew how I was taking the news. They didn't know how bad the upcoming visit was affecting me. No one at the academy knew about my past. They didn't know my history with Vasilisa or the people who would more than likely follow her to the academy.

That in itself was a blessing. It meant I didn't get asked stupid questions that would only piss me off, like: How are you coping? Is there anything we can do for you? Do you want to talk about it? And not being asked these types of questions meant I wasn't taken over by the overwhelming urge to punch someone. If I'd been asked anything like that I would have been driven to the end of my tether.

But with my history tucked away safely from the academy gossip hounds I was left to listen to everyone talk animatedly about the pending visit. I was growing tired of listening to moroi woman talk about their inadequacies compared to the Queen, or speculating on how she would dress. And if I heard another guardian acting tough by claiming they would challenge one of the royal guardians to a spar I would likely scream.

And because of those conversations I found it hard to eat in the cafeteria. Even the moroi who served the food tried to talk about the visit as I decided what I wanted to eat. It took a lot of effort on my part not to throw my plate at them.

The only place I found any sort of escape was my room. I had taken writing class plans to a whole new level. I had the next couple of months completely planned out for my novices. But there was only so much time I could spend in the shoebox before I started going stir-crazy.

It wasn't that I wanted company. No, company was well at the bottom of my list of wants. I just preferred to be outside. Being cooped up inside made me feel like a caged animal. Before long I'd start pacing the bars of my cage, becoming increasingly anxious. And as fit as I was I couldn't run every minute of my free time.

It was Sunday when I was called to see Guardian Scholl. It was an odd request given that Sunday was the only day off that the teaching staff had. I had always figured Scholl had it off like the rest of us. But I wasn't going to tell the messenger I wasn't going to meet with him on the grounds that I was enjoying my free time – especially when I wasn't. If anything, it was a decent reason to leave my room, I just hoped the meeting would take my mind off everything for a few minutes.

I walked across the large courtyard that separated the accommodation buildings from the classrooms, gym and administration building. The wind was unseasonably cold, and although it was only the middle of autumn it felt more like the middle of winter. It had rained the past few days. It had eased, but the sky was still covered in a blanket of dark cloud that promised there was more to come. It was perfect weather for curling up and watching a movie. Pity the only television available was in the common room, and my laptop wasn't savvy enough to play a cd let alone a movie.

I stepped into to the warmth of the quiet administration building. There hadn't been a time when I'd been inside without the receptionist there to greet me. It was odd really, that the head guardian would be working, but no one else was. But I guessed his work never stopped. I trekked up the stairs and down the hall until I reached his door, but I paused as I heard talking from inside.

The messenger hadn't given any specific times for seeing Scholl, so I had thought I would go straight away. I wasn't about to admit to the guardian at my door that I'd been waiting for a distraction from the work I knew could wait until during the week. I wouldn't actually admit that to anyone.

Scholl seemed to be doing all the talking. I had only heard his gruff, all business tone since I'd arrived. Perhaps he was on the phone? I wished I could actually hear his words through the door, but the solid pine was too thick for any specifics. I raised my hand to knock, ready to announce my arrival, but stopped with my hand only inches away from the door as a new voice joined the conversation.

Again I couldn't hear the words that were spoken, but his accent was undeniable. Thick, luxurious, and familiar enough to make me freeze.

_Don't be stupid_, I chastised myself, _the majority of guardians are from Europe. And I would have heard if the royal party had arrived_.

The pep talk did little to ease the speed of my heart though. I wouldn't have been surprised if the occupants of the room in front of me could hear it crushing against my ribs. We were in Australia, what exactly were the chances of a European guardian being here if it wasn't on official court business, even if it wasn't Dimitri. And that only meant the royal visit was closer than I'd wanted it to be.

I sucked in a deep breath and forced myself to knock on the door. Guardian Scholl had sent for me, it would have looked horrible if he found me cowering in the hallway. It would look even worse if I turned and walked away, not showing up for the meeting at all.

The door opened, revealing Scholl dressed in jeans and a button down shirt. Perhaps he didn't normally work in Sundays after all. I tried to peer around him, trying to catch just a glimpse of the person who sat at his desk. But Scholl's broad shoulders prevented me from doing so without making my moves obvious.

"Ah, Guardian Hathaway," he said. He looked tired for the first time in the five years I had known him. I could see the toll the royal visit was taking on him. "Do come in."

"I was told you wanted to see…" I had started to talk as he stepped aside to grant me access to his office, but my words had been stolen from me as I saw the form sitting at the head guardian's desk.

He was dressed in a fitted black suit, the official guardian uniform on court. It was his hair that had caught my attention though. It was long, tied at the nape of his neck…just as Dimitri had always worn his. The line of his shoulders was rigid, like he was trying to breathe normally but it was a strain to do so. I couldn't say if that was because of me or just his usual posture.

"I can't stay long," I said once I had recovered the use of my voice. "I have a lot of work to get done for next week."

"Your work can wait," Guardian Scholl stated. "We have some important business to talk about."

"I'm sure you have another guardian who can help," I said. I was finding it difficult to keep my tone level. "Someone more experienced, better suited."

"Who is more experienced or better suited than yourself Rosemarie?" he asked.

I had no answer. It wasn't because I believed I was the best guardian at the academy, I just couldn't trust my voice not to betray me. The guardian in front of me still hadn't moved. He hadn't offered any introduction or any other niceties. And deep down I knew why. I already knew him from once upon a time.

"Right, let's get started, shall we?" Guardian Scholl said gruffly as he walked back to his chair. He was obviously convinced he had won our little debate. "Sit Rose, the sooner we get through this, the sooner you can get back to whatever else you're working on."

I slowly sank into the chair next to the guardian, fanning my hair strategically so I couldn't see him. My hope had been that I could pretend he wasn't sitting less than two feet away from me. I wanted to forget that he was in easy reach, that I could just stretch out my arm and run my hand over the material of his jacket.

"Guardian Hathaway, this is Guardian Belikov," Scholl said in way of introduction and I nodded in acknowledgement. "God, I hope I said that right."

"You did," Dimitri muttered. His voice was shadowed and strained. "I have to make some phone calls, so could we please get going?"

His tone slapped me hard across the face. He made it blindingly obvious in his one sentence that he didn't want to be near me. At least we were on the same page with the closeness aspect, however, I was willing to bet his reason was much different to mine.

I took a deep breath and focused my energy into the matter at hand. I'd been called to see Guardian Scholl for a reason. I needed to remain focused on business.

"Would someone like to catch me up on what's happening?" I asked with more harshness that I would have liked. "Has the Monarch arrived?"

"Not yet," Scholl replied. "Guardian Belikov has been sent ahead to settle some of the final details before the arrival of the Queen and her party."

"What details?" I asked as I eyed Scholl.

"This academy has no airstrip," Dimitri said in a cold voice. It seemed his previous emotional slip was now under lock and key.

"And what they serve in the cafeteria can hardly be called food," I stated mimicking his tone. "So what's your point?"

"Guardian Belikov is concerned about her Majesty landing outside the wards," Scholl answered. His eyes full of disapproval as he looked at me. "Which of course is understandable."

"Of course," I muttered. "So what's the plan?"

Getting down to business was a much better idea than sulking. I wouldn't give Dimitri the satisfaction of seeing how much he had hurt me. I didn't want him to see me falter again. I kept my focus on Guardian Scholl and took small breaths through my mouth so I didn't have to breathe his cologne. Combined, my efforts made a small amount of difference, but his presence still set my entire body on fire.

"That's what we were about to get to when you arrived," Scholl explained.

"Why not just use the airstrip outside of town?" I asked, wondering if Scholl had already thought of that.

"It's on private property," Scholl stated, proving to me that he had thought about it and discounted it at the same time. "So I don't think it would suit."

"I don't see why not," I stated bluntly. "It's not too far from the academy, and a little compulsion can go a long way."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Dimitri's reaction to my idea about the use of compulsion. The use of compulsion at the academy was punishable, whether the offender was a teacher or student. And it wasn't like I hadn't thought about it before I'd made the suggestion.

The way I saw it, they needed a way of getting Vasilisa to the academy safely. So what was safer: having her land in the city and driving for hours before making it to the academy, or using a small amount of compulsion so she could land and be at the academy in under twenty minutes? It was a no brainer to me, I couldn't understand what the problem was.

"Compulsion," Dimitri muttered, it sounded like a dirty word in his harsh whisper.

I rolled my eyes before jumping head first into the snake pit with my idea. "Look," I said with a sigh, "I know it's not the best way to get the Queen here safely, but it's better than the alternative."

"Lissa," Dimitri breathed as he looked at me for the first time. "That's her name, or have you forgotten it in the past five years?"

Air was stolen from my lungs as the implication of his words hit me. How could he think I'd forgotten my best friend? It's not like he'd know I haven't allowed myself to be pulled into her head for years. He couldn't know I hadn't even willingly checked in on her either. Who was he to push blame onto me anyway?

"I am fully aware of her name Guardian Belikov," I said, my voice strained, his name felt like venom on my lips. "Why do you think I would make a suggestion that gives her a better chance of safety?"

"With the use of compulsion," he accused.

"Yes, with the use of compulsion." My voice had risen and was laced with the anger that was building inside me. "But the alternative means her plane will land hours away. A small, private airstrip that can easily hold one of court's jets can be guarded by wards ahead of time." I stood from my chair and looked at Dimitri, willing my tears to hold off until I could get back to my room. "And yes, unfortunately we may need to use a tiny bit of compulsion on the old coot that owns the property, but she will be safer!"

I turned my attention to Guardian Scholl who was more than surprised by my outburst. I had no idea what he was thinking, but from the look on his face, it wasn't anything good. I had just yelled at and insulted a guest of the academy. And not just any guest, but one sent by the royal court to finalise plans. I think I had finally made it on to Scholl's bad side, but I wasn't sticking around to find out.

"I don't think Guardian Belikov wants to know any more of my ideas," I stated, struggling to keep my emotions in check. "Can you send a copy of the roster we spoke about the other day to my room please?"

I didn't wait for his reply, nor did I spare a glance in Dimitri's direction before I left the room. I simply left. I couldn't have stayed in there a moment longer and held onto the strength I was desperate to keep in his presence.

It infuriated me that Dimitri thought he held any position to scold me for leaving. And that anger pulsed through me as I walked down the hallway towards the stairs. I longed to head for the gym. I longed to leave the academy. I longed to stop feeling so utterly heartbroken.

"Roza," he called as I got to the stop of the stairs.

I paused briefly, frozen from the sadness his voice held. My breath was ragged as I heard his footsteps getting painfully close to me. I shook my head slowly, reminding myself that I no longer belonged anywhere near the man I loved so desperately.

I moved forward again, running down the stairs and out the door. I didn't stop when the cool air hit me, I didn't stop until I reached my room. I knew he hadn't followed me out the administration building but I still slammed the door shut and locked it. I wanted…no needed…to be alone.

My composure unravelled as I lost the strength in my legs. My body slid down the length of the door and I landed on the floor in a crumpled mess. But I couldn't have moved if I'd tried. I was lost in the pain I'd been avoiding for years. Avoiding because I couldn't make it go away. It haunted me every moment of every day. And now I had succumbed to it, I wasn't sure I'd be able to pick myself up again.


	4. Chapter 4

Guardians. They are the front line of defence for moroi against the threat of strigoi. Strong, stoic and steadfast.

I had graduated from the academy with the dream of becoming a great guardian. I had wanted to be everything a guardian is, and more. And while I was technically a guardian now, I was nothing like a guardian had to be. I was the furthest thing from strong, stoic and steadfast, and I hated it.

I picked myself up off the floor and stumbled to the bathroom. There, in the mirror, I saw exactly what I'd been reduced to all because I couldn't remain in control of my emotions. Next to skill and physical strength, that was the centre point of being a great guardian, right? You couldn't be in the middle of a fight for not only your life, but that of your moroi, and suddenly be overwhelmed with an emotion so brutal that you could barely see through your own tears.

And it pissed me off that that's what I had become. I'd just spent the past two hours in a crying heap all because the man I loved no longer loved me. It wasn't like I didn't know that already.

It happened everyday, all around the world. People constantly fell in and out of love. Such is life. Yet for me, I'd let it rule me for five years, who does that? I'd let it dictate my lack of any relationship because I feared being hurt again. I feared letting anyone hurt me like he had done. But how could I let anyone have my heart anyway, it stilled belonged to him.

And I wanted to let go. Believe me, I wanted nothing more than to be able to move on. I just had no idea how to do that. How do you let go of someone who made you feel more than anyone else ever had?

I didn't hold on to him just because he was my first. I didn't hold on to him just because I still loved him – although that was a major part of it I was sure. But he had made me feel alive. He'd made me feel like I could be my absolute best – if not better – as long as he was in my life. He made me feel like I was more than just protection for moroi, like I wasn't just bred to ensure moroi lived.

How could I let go when my heart still ached for his touch? When my lips still tingled in anticipation of his kiss? I felt pathetic, but that didn't change the truth of it. I still missed him, even after five years.

I hated him, yet loved him at the same time. And that alone was both infuriating and exhausting.

I wished I could just hate him. It had to be easier than hating someone you love so desperately. And if I just hated him I'd be able to let go. At least I figured it would be easier to do so. Hating him would make everything so much easier. Hating him would have allowed everything to be final after I left court.

His love for me might have faded, but mine sure hadn't. That fact had been reinforced when I'd seen him in Scholl's office. It didn't matter that I hadn't seen him for five years. It didn't even matter that I'd been on the other side of the world. I still loved him, and I wasn't sure that would ever change. I wasn't sure I would ever stop loving him.

Unfortunately the meeting had also reinforced the fact that he no longer loved me, that I no longer mattered to him. The tenseness of his muscles, the cold tone of his voice when he'd spoken to me, and it seemed like the meeting couldn't have ended soon enough for him. It all spoke volumes. He had moved on.

I wanted to be happy for him, but I couldn't find it within myself to be. And the idea of him being with someone else made me want to be sick. And again I hated myself for that. I mean, why shouldn't he be with someone else when he's clearly moved past me? I guess selfish needed to be added to that list of what I'd become.

I turned on the faucet and splashed cold water over my tear-streaked face. I looked horrible with red, puffy eyes and trails of dried tears running down my cheeks. But I felt a whole lot worse.

_Lissa. That's her name, or have you forgotten in the past five years?_ his words replayed in my mind again. They had served as a broken record – running on loop – since I'd ran from the administration building.

Was he angry that I'd left Vasilisa? He might have been, and maybe he had every right to be. She'd been my best friend since the first day we met, we had been so young, but our friendship had survived the many trials we'd been thrown. I felt more than guilty about leaving her, especially since I had promised I would never do that again. But not only had I left, I also hadn't been able to check on her through the bond, to make sure she was safe and well. I was weak and I couldn't deny that, it was as clear as a cloudless day.

_Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me so you can finally see what's good for you_. The words of a song I had listened to millions of times over the years flowed through my head. It had served me well in times when I needed to release pent up anger and sadness, but now the words sliced into me, leaving my heart even more wounded.

The royal visit was pushing me to actually realise the fact that Vasilisa might indeed hate me. I couldn't blame her if she did, but at the same time it would kill me. My excuse for abandoning her very well might have seemed like a broken heart, but it was more than that. Could she understand my reason for leaving her again? Could she understand that I hadn't wanted to leave her, but it was the only way I could see to help Dimitri when I only seemed to be hurting him more by staying?

She might have understood had I explained it five years ago, but now that Dimitri had seemingly recovered it might be a different story. There was also the fact that I hadn't contacted her at all since I left. What could I say? I was a horrible friend.

I looked at myself in the mirror again and sighed. Something had to change. I still loved Dimitri, and I couldn't see that changing any time soon. But perhaps I could adjust my attitude? Maybe I could learn to control my emotions better? Surely that would be enough to pull me out of this god awful funk I'd found myself in. I just had to learn quickly.

I probably had a few days at the most to prepare for the royal visit, and I doubted Dimitri would be leaving before the Queen arrived. I was going to do it though, I had to. I had to do this for myself, for my own sanity. I would become that guardian I'd dreamed of being. It wasn't too late to get there.

As I stared at myself in the mirror I saw the first changes happening already. My eyes didn't hold as much pain as they had before, as they had for years. I saw an intensity burning in them, the kind I'd had when I'd still been at the academy. I wasn't stupid enough to believe that this small change was enough. No, I still had a lot of work ahead of me. But it was a start at least.

I stayed there for what seemed like hours working on perfecting my guardian mask. Hiding my emotions wasn't as good as controlling them, but it was better than nothing. For a while, nothing really changed. I still looked drawn and tired. It was frustrating, especially when other guardians made it look so damn easy. But it didn't let my resolve falter, I didn't let myself give up like I wanted to. My perseverance paid off when I finally saw that mask slip into place.

I couldn't continue being a basket case, but I couldn't pretend that everything was okay either. Was it easier to just find a switch to turn it all off? I wouldn't need the mask then, I'd be okay to let it slip because no one would see anything different anyway.

I changed into a pair of shorts and a sweatshirt. A quick glance at my watch told me I had enough time to set up the gym for my first class in the morning before it was time for dinner.

Outside the rain had begun falling again. It was light, barely a sprinkle, but annoyingly left a soft sheen of moisture wherever it fell. If it had been any harder I would have stuck to the covered walkways, but I kind of liked the coolness on my bare skin. It was refreshing after the day I'd had.

By the time I was done in the gym, however, the rain was falling harder, forcing me to keep to the walkways that led to the cafeteria. It made the trip three times longer, but it saved shivering my way through dinner. And I was starving. The emotional toll from the day had left me famished. It might have had something to do with the fact that I had also missed lunch.

I walked into the cafeteria to find it buzzing with energy. It was normally one of the quietest areas on the academy since the teachers usually preferred calm when they were away from the students. But gathered around one table was at least half of the faculty, with more seated. They were chatting and laughing uncharacteristically loud. Obviously Dimitri had sparked some interest. Then again he was a royal guardian, and I couldn't help but wonder if he'd been challenged to spar any of the dhampirs yet.

I steadied my breathing and hoped my guardian mask was still in place as I made my way to the buffet. I would eat my dinner, just as I did every night, then I would head back to my room where I could work on the emotions that I could still feel bubbling away under the surface. I would be strong, and I wouldn't let him see the effect he still had over me.

With a plate of meatloaf and vegetables in hand I quickly scanned the tables, weighing up my options. I could always sit on my own, but I firmly rejected that thought as soon as it entered my mind. My other choices were a table of guardians talking about the latest game, two of the element teachers or the academy's math and history teachers. Really, the choice was easy.

"Hi guys," I said as I sat at the table occupied by the element teachers. "Can you believe winter break is just around the corner?"

It was my best attempt at small talk. I wasn't exactly in a comfortable position, but it definitely wasn't the worst either.

"This year does seem to be going faster," Jonas said, raising his eyes briefly from the paper he'd been reading. "Do you think they'll push it back for this royal visit?"

"No one has really said how long the visit is meant to be for," Louisa replied. I had always liked the air instructor. She was quirky and fun, and not much older than me. "Do you have any idea Rose?"

"Nah," I replied after swallowing my mouthful of meatloaf. "It's not even clear when the Queen will actually arrive."

We continued chatting on and off as we ate. I was surprised by how easy it became. They were people I had known for years, yet I barely knew anything about them. In the space of twenty minutes I learnt Louisa had two young children attending the academy, and Jonas was a budding artist in his spare time.

I couldn't actually remember when I'd become so anti-social. I don't know whether it happened over night, or if it had been more gradual, but as I left the cafeteria I felt…different. I had been avoiding too much contact with people for so long that I'd forgotten how nice it could actually be. Jonas and Louisa hadn't expected anything from me, they hadn't pushed for me to share my life story. They had just let me be myself – whoever that was these days.

I was walking briskly to my room when I heard the crunch of gravel behind me. I didn't need to see who was there, I already knew. The loudness of the footsteps fast approaching me indicated considerable height and weight. And no one at the academy was nearly as big as him.

"Roza," Dimitri called. His voice was like velvet wrapping around my soul.

"Can I help you with something Guardian Belikov?" I asked as I turned around. I had managed to keep my tone level, even as I looked up into his eyes.

"I wanted to apologise about earlier," he said smoothly. "What I said, it was wrong of me."

"There's no need," I told him flatly. "No hard feelings."

He was silent for a long moment as the weight of his gaze fell over me. If I hadn't known better, I might have thought he was actually looking. But I did know better, so I returned his gaze with surprising coolness as my heart fluttered uncontrollably in my chest.

"You look good," he finally said. My heart spluttered to a stop even though I knew he didn't mean it in the way my heart wanted him to.

"You too," I said automatically, although it was true. The years had been kind to him. "I need to get back to my room, classes to prepare for and all."

"You teach?" he asked, and I was sure I heard a hint of amazement in his tone.

_Don't be stupid_, I chastised before replying, "Yes, for about three years now."

"That's good." He paused, and I was sure he wanted to say more, but instead he nodded stiffly. "Good night Guardian Hathaway."

"Good night Guardian Belikov."


	5. Chapter 5

The days passed slowly, and the hype over the royal visit began to die down a little. What's more, I hadn't seen Dimitri since Sunday. I hadn't exactly been looking for him, well maybe I had just a bit, but only because I wanted to be ready with my guardian mask, and perhaps even a witty comeback. But it was like he'd just disappeared. I figured he'd headed back to court to help prepare for the visit. Or maybe the whole thing had been cancelled.

No one had heard anything new. No plans were in place for the Queen's arrival, and the new guardian roster hadn't been released. Though after the failed meeting I had been called to on Sunday, it was likely I was being kept out of the loop. Guardian Scholl hadn't called for me, which I thought was odd. I had acted disrespectfully in front of a guest, and I had expected to receive a lecture at the very least. I wasn't complaining. I was more than happy to stay on Scholl's good side – if that's where I still was.

I settled into the rhythm of my classes, and afterwards I continued working on my emotional control. It was hard to determine if any of it was helping though. Without Dimitri around I didn't feel like I was on the emotional rollercoaster I had been on days before. But maybe that was the point? Maybe I had my unruly emotions under control already?

It seemed unlikely. I really doubted I'd be able to undo my five years of emotional torture in just a few days. So I continued working on it just in case. I checked books out of the library – claiming they were for class research – and even found information on the internet. It was actually surprising how many self-help gurus were out there claiming their ways could help various mental, emotional and physical ailments. After a few days of researching I had compiled a list of techniques I could try if I found myself in a _compromising_ situation.

Thursday, during lunch, I was called to see Guardian Scholl. My first thought was that I hadn't skipped out on his rant after all. That thought soon evaporated, however, once I arrived at his office. It wasn't his style to reprimand with an audience if it could be avoided.

A group of guardians were already in his office, eleven in total. They all stood in front of his desk, and I could hear Scholl talking. Since the guardians weren't giving him their full attention I spared a guess that he was on the phone. There was no way a guardian under his charge would ever be that disrespectful to him.

We waited at least ten minutes before he was off the phone, and even then he didn't acknowledge us straight away, instead he scribbled something down in his notebook. Patience had never been a virtue I possessed. And I found myself fidgeting without realising I was doing so. I placed my hands behind my back and clasped them hard as I waited. It was one of those times when I needed to look as professional as the guardians around me.

"Thank you for getting here promptly," Guardian Scholl said as he placed his pen back on his desk. "Your classes and shifts have been covered in your absence this afternoon and into the evening. I know this is late notice, but I didn't expect anything different to be completely honest." He paused as he rubbed his calloused hand across his forehead. He looked stressed. "The plane carrying the Queen and those accompanying her will land in approximately two hours. Another group, including four of our most gifted element teachers, are already at the airstrip. The moroi have already got to work placing wards around the immediate area."

_Ha! So they used my idea after all_, I thought with more than a little smugness. Dimitri hadn't seemed convinced at all during the meeting, and he hadn't mentioned his change of mind during our little chat later that night. I was careful to keep my mask firmly in place so my smile didn't leak through, but I couldn't deny that I was feeling pretty good.

"You will be leaving as soon as we're finished here," Scholl continued. "We need to ensure safety is our highest priority, especially for her Highness. Guardian Hathaway?" He gained my full attention, and I moved past a couple of guardians standing in front of me so he could see me clearly. "You will be in charge. What you say goes."

I nodded stiffly in acceptance of his request, but surely I'd heard him wrong. I was shocked. I mean, it wasn't like I had expected to ever be in charge of any amount of guardians, let alone a group that was to keep the Queen of moroi safe. Even stranger, there were guardians in the room with a lot more experience than I had.

Then the whole situation hit me…hard. We were actually going to collect the royal party from their plane. I was one of only a few who would be seeing them first, before the rest of the academy. There was absolutely no option of hiding. I'd be in full view of everyone.

My heart rate increased slightly, and my thoughts threatened to spiral out of control. I took a deep breath, I could handle this. Hyperventilating wouldn't help the situation. I wasn't going to freak out, and I definitely wasn't going to let anyone see that the situation was having any negative effect on me.

I don't know what I was more nervous about: being entrusted with a group of guardians that had to keep the royal party safe, or seeing Lissa again after so long.

Scholl kept talking. He explained the layout of the airfield and what vehicles we were to take in order for there to be enough room for everyone. There were over thirty people arriving on the flight. We were to take headsets so we could communicate at all times, and if anything happened, we were to make sure the Queen made it safely to the academy.

"Okay, that's everything you need to know for now," Scholl said sternly. "Leave as soon as the cars and headsets are sorted. Guardian Hathaway, need to speak with you for a moment, alone."

The rest of the guardians filed out of the room, closing the door behind them. I was left standing alone, wondering if I hadn't dodged the bullet after all.

"I understand you know the Queen on a personal level," he stated.

"Yes Sir," I replied. "We attended the same academy, and I was her guardian for a short time after graduation."

"I see," he mused and I would have given anything to know what he was thinking. "Are there going to be any problems I should be aware of?"

"Of course not," I said, a little taken back by his question. What exactly had Dimitri told him? "I haven't spoken with her since I left court, but I can assure you I will protect her with my life."

"Right," he sighed. "If I'd known you were familiar with the Queen it might have made the organisation of this whole thing run a little more smoothly."

"With all due respect, I don't see how," I told him. "As I said, I haven't had anything to do with her in five years. I don't think I could have offered much help, Sir."

"Guardian Belikov seemed to think differently."

Scholl dismissed me without offering any explanation for his comment. I needed to help the guardians prepare everything before we headed out to the airfield, otherwise I would have hung around to question his comment. As I walked across the academy to the garage that house the cars I couldn't help but continue to think about it. Again I was left asking, _what had Dimitri said after I left that meeting_?

There were two guardians for each car we took. Five vans and a mini bus left the academy in a slow procession with Guardian Andrews and myself in the lead. Once I confirmed everyone was out of the academy gates and on the main road I picked up the speed. I had no idea why we were being sent to the airfield with so much time to spare before the plane actually arrived, but I had a feeling Scholl was just being cautious. Plus, it gave us more time to secure the area before the plane landed.

The airstrip was only a fifteen minute drive away from the academy. I had never been there, but it wasn't hard to find when following the signs saying 'skydiving this way'. I had been told the owner of the property had been more than happy to allow us access to the airfield, and he didn't even enquire about the reason. The heated debate over the use of compulsion had been for nothing. I guess the usual cover story of the academy being an elite school warranted a private jet needing to land nearby – even in the middle of the night.

We arrived to find the moroi still working on the wards. They wanted to ensure they had the strongest possible connection around the airfield. Like Scholl, they were just being cautious, and I couldn't complain about that. It's not every day the Queen lands on a privately owned airstrip outside the protection of wards.

"What's the status of the wards?" I asked one of the guardians that had arrived earlier.

"They have said they are active, they're just triple checking them," he advised.

"Right," I said with a nod. "Better to be safe. Any sign of strigoi since you've been here?"

"Nah," he replied with a slight shrug. "They've never really frequented this area, no since I've been at the academy anyway."

He was right, but there was a first time for everything, and we needed to be ready for anything. Within the wards was as safe as any moroi would ever be, so the royal party would be safe on arrival. But we needed to leave the wards in order to get back to the academy. It's not like the moroi could place wards around the roads we'd be travelling on, they would most likely die of exhaustion even with their stamina training.

_I can do this_, I told myself as I felt my panic rising, it did little to help my confidence though.

I was on edge. This was a major assignment for me after five years of doing little more than taking moroi into town occasionally. If anything went wrong, it was on me. Surely that was cause enough to make anyone stressed.

"Everything is secure, Guardian Hathaway," Guardian Andrews announced.

"Good," I said as I glanced around the area. "Keep your wits about you at all times. If you see anything that might suggest strigoi – even if the chances are remote – tell me immediately."

The airfield was in an open field. The closest obstacle was a barn over two-hundred feet away. A cluster of trees sat further away to the left, while the field at the end of the airstrip was lined with trees and a thick underbrush. They were all potential threats when it came to strigoi.

"Guardian Miller, take Bray and Jones with you to check out the barn," I ordered. "Guardian Campbell keep watch on the trees to our left, Russell and Fowler get the binoculars and focus on the brush at the end of the strip. Anything out of place is to be reported straight away. The rest of us will patrol the wards."

While each side of the wards were visible from wherever you stood, I wanted to ensure nothing was missed. It also meant that everyone was kept busy. The barn was my main concern. Not only was it the closest possible threat, it was also solid with multiple vantage points for strigoi to hide. Even after Miller gave the all clear I was uncomfortable.

Not left with many options I pulled out my phone and dialled.

"Scholl," he answered with his usual gruff tone.

"It's Hathaway," I announced, though he probably already knew that from my number flashing on his display. "What's the chances of getting a few more guardians sent out here?"

"What's the problem?"

"There's a barn about two-fifty feet from the airstrip," I explained. "I'd like to have it covered until we have the Queen safely away from here."

"Good thinking," Scholl replied. "How many do you think you'll need?"

I ran some math through my head quickly. I needed enough guardians to cover inside the barn, and to patrol the outer lines that weren't visible from the airstrip. I didn't really want to risk using one group for the entire job in case something was missed.

"Eight would be optimal," I said. "But I'll take whatever you can spare."

The additional guardians arrived twenty minutes later and instantly got to work covering the barn. With everything covered I tried to relax myself a little. Of course my mind preferred to run in a continual loop of every possible threat scenario. It didn't really bother me too much, but at the same time I didn't want to end up so stressed that my muscles would be left with knots so tight they'd refuse to work properly for days.

I glanced at my watch as I saw the lights of an aircraft come into view. Of course they were early, even if it was only by fifteen minutes. I took in a deep breath in an attempt to settle my nerves. This was it, there was no turning back.

"I have visual of approach," I said, speaking into the microphone attached to my shirt. "What's the status of the barn?"

"The barn is clear," a rough male voice replied.

"Good, let's keep it that way," I spoke with as much confidence as I could muster. "The vehicles need to be moved inside the wards now, but make sure there is plenty of room for the plane to land easily."

I felt my heart palpitate in my chest. I might have had the situation on the ground under control, but that could change at any moment. And I was under no delusion that seeing Lissa again wasn't affecting me. Taking in a deep breath once again I reminded myself that my decision five years ago had been right, no matter what anyone said.

I took a moment to compose myself completely. My guardian mask sat like steel against any emotion that tried to force their way to the surface. I was strong and resilient, at least that's what I had to make myself believe.

As the plane grew closer I moved towards the cars that lined the edge of the airstrip. I stood in the middle of the line of guardians who had come in my group, while the four moroi and the guardians that had accompanied them stood off to the side. The moroi had assured me the wards were fine, they had actually created three lines of defence instead of just one, and their fatigue was showing because of their efforts.

Everything was in order as the plane touched down, coming to a stop with the door directly in front of me. The pace of my heart kicked up a few notches as the door slowly transformed into stairs leading to the gravel surface of the strip.

Dimitri was the first off the plane, no one followed him. He walked towards me without a single pause.

"Guardian Hathaway," he said with a slight nod. "Is everything clear for her Majesty?"

"It is," I said, my voice emotionless and strong despite the fact my stomach was flipping uncontolably. "We have two separate groups patrolling the barn, inside and out, and the moroi have provided three lines of defence to the wards."

Dimitri nodded stiffly before heading back to the plane. Within a few minutes more people than I thought could comfortably travel on the small private jet began filing out. Guardians were first, made obvious by their stature and formal court suits. Following them were a group of moroi who I didn't know.

Aside from Dimitri, the first familiar face I saw was Adrian. My heart sunk. I knew the chances of him coming with Lissa had to be high, the two of them had always been very close. But seeing him again brought back memories I'd have preferred stayed buried. I had left him too. I'd left him when we had still been officially a couple.

I definitely didn't expect it to hurt as much as it did when he ignored me and went to stand with the other moroi. He had barely spared a glance in my direction, and while it hurt…a lot…I couldn't blame him. I'd hurt him too.

Next down the stairs was Christian. I'd expected to see him too. He had barely changed from the last time I'd seen him, and unlike Adrian he didn't avoid eye contact. He also didn't hold back on his look of disgust upon seeing me. I kept my expression blank – at least I hoped it was blank – and gave a curt nod, hoping to relay that I understood his reaction.

Eventually Dimitri appeared at the top of the stairs again. He turned to speak briefly with someone behind him before descending. I had always marvelled in the way he could move with such ease considering his height, and as he walked down the stairs it was no different. I found myself being transported back to my seventeen year old self, staring at him as if he really was the God the novices had once referred to him as.

It was only as he reached the gravel that I saw Vasilisa standing at the top of the stairs. She looked incredible, dressed immaculately in a light grey pant suit with an apricot blouse under the jacket. Her long, platinum blond hair was pulled into a tight bun. She looked simply exquisite. Her eyes met mine briefly before she turned to talk to the guardian standing behind her.

As she began her descent down the short stairs I followed the lead of the guardians around me and bowed. It was strange, I'd never had to bow to Lissa before. We'd been friends…sisters. And I had no idea where the relationship we'd once had stood. It was only right I treated her with the respect I knew she deserved. After all, she was the Queen of moroi.

As she reached the bottom of the stairs I glanced up to see Eddie behind her. He was made to wear the guardian suit that wrapped perfectly around the body he'd built to destroy strigoi. He looked good too. The years had allowed him to mature physically. Beside him in the doorway stood Mia. I almost smiled when I saw her.

Lissa walked with the elegance she'd always possessed towards our group. Her eyes held mine, but I didn't move, I'm not sure I could have if I'd wanted to. The reunion five years in the making was only seconds away.


	6. Chapter 6

The only sound was the soft hum of the tires on the road surface. The van itself was completely silent.

Much to my disappointment, Guardian Andrews hadn't even given me a sideways glance when Dimitri had ordered him to sit in the back of the vehicle with Eddie. So as I drove, my nerve endings were alight as a tingling sensation continued to consume my senses. Having him so close after so many years apart was a whole new version of torture. I suppose I had to count myself lucky that he hadn't demanded to drive.

I could still feel the blankness of the guardian mask stretched across my face at least. I was actually keeping my emotions away from my expression. Okay, so it had only been a few minutes, and I still had to make it back to the academy, but I took the little victory for what it was. My hard work was _actually_ paying off – thankfully.

I glanced in the rear-view mirror, watching Lissa stare out the window for a brief moment before turning my attention back to the road. Our reunion hadn't been tears, hugs or fireworks. But I really hadn't expected any different. Lissa had been terse and regal, like any royal would be when meeting a lowly dhampir she didn't know for the first time. That was the part that irritated me the most. She did know me, and the fact that she had chosen to act otherwise hurt…at lot.

I get that the last thing she would have wanted to do was cause a scene in front of so many strangers, but I found it cruel that she had acted so elusive. She had only glanced at me once as Dimitri told her the plan for travelling to the academy, and her eyes had been cold. I know I more than deserved to be yelled at, hell, I would have preferred if she'd just slapped me. Almost anything would have been better than her completely ignoring my existence.

Christian was sitting next to her, of course. He was the main reason I had avoided speaking to her since we'd left the airfield. He'd made it perfectly clear he wanted Lissa to have nothing to do with me. I could accept that in a way, after all he would have had to pick up the pieces I'd left shattered when I left.

"So, this is where you've been hiding Rose?" Eddie asked, successfully breaking me free of my thoughts.

My lips pulled into a tight line, it was all I could do to not let my mask slip. "I haven't been hiding." I attempted to keep the defensive strain out of my tone…but failed.

"Then what exactly have you been doing Rosemarie?" Christian snapped, his voice filled with contempt.

I forced the air from my lungs and struggled to hold on to my composed outer shell. Breathing exercises had been one of the most talked about techniques in the research I'd done. Apparently by keeping your breathing regulated you could work through the toughest of emotions. Something about keeping your pulse steady…the details weren't important as long as it worked. And if you were too upset before you could even consider slowing your breathing – which I most definitely was – they recommended taking slow, deep breaths in order to relax yourself, even if just a little. That's what I was aiming for.

Dimitri glanced at me briefly, reminding me I was yet to answer. His usual guardian mask was perfectly in place, but I was sure I caught a flicker of sympathy in his eyes.

"I've been building a life for myself," I replied, regretting my words as soon as they fell out of my mouth.

Christian scoffed. "That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard."

"And that affects me how?" I enquired, fighting to keep my tone level. "I don't expect you, or anyone else, to understand my decision Lord Ozera. I essentially don't give a flying fuck if you especially do or not. Actually, thinking about it, I don't see why I should have to explain myself to you, when it's none of your god damned business."

I sucked in a deep breath in an attempt to calm the adrenalin beginning to thump around my entire body from my little speech. The earlier tingling sensation had disappeared, thankfully, and I'd been left with anger that threatened to undo all my good work. At least anger was something I could work with.

"You really are a bitch Rosemarie," he muttered. "As always, everything has to revolve around you, not the ones you hurt along the way."

Silence fell once more, uncomfortable and suffocating. My grip on the steering wheel tightened, my knuckles turned white from the strain. Of course I was the bitch in the entire situation. No matter what Lissa and Dimitri had done, I was always destined to come off as the one who had caused all the problems. It was infuriating.

"Breathe Roza," Dimitri whispered as he leant across the centre consol.

I released the air I hadn't realised I'd been holding, and tried to ignore any part Dimitri had played in it. I wished more than anything he didn't have such a strong effect over me. I wished I could completely ignore his existence. I forced myself to concentrate on the road, even though my eyes kept willing me to look at him. The problem was, no matter how many times I looked at him, nothing would change.

He didn't want me anymore. I had to learn to live with that.

After ten more tortuous minutes of smothering silence we finally reached the academy. I was beyond thankful the airstrip hadn't been any further away. I lowered my window as one of the guardians manning the gate approached the car, his head down, his face blanked out by the brim of his baseball cap.

"Guardian Hathaway," he said in greeting as a sly smile crossed his lips. "You're looking…good…as always."

Of course it was my luck that Guardian Nichols would be on gate duty. I tried to ignore the fact that he was eyeing me like I was something he wanted to devour in a heartbeat, it was sickening. Apart from my one almost slip up, I'd made it clear I had absolutely no intention of sleeping with him. He just didn't seem to understand that I was serious.

"Would you just open the gate?" Dimitri growled. His voice was cold and distant.

Nichols turned from the car, muttering something under his breath as he returned to the small control room to release the gate. I didn't hesitate on driving through, the quicker I got to where the Queen needed to be, the sooner I'd be free.

Instead of heading to the garage like the other vehicles would, I turned left, following the single lane of loose stone around the inner circle of the academy. I wasn't about to make Lissa walk to the administration building, no matter how annoyed I might have been with her.

She had just travelled across the world. I was sure they were all exhausted. The others could at least go straight to their accommodation – provided someone knew where it was – but I had no doubt Phillips would be waiting to see Lissa as soon as she arrive.

I stopped right in front of the stairs leading into the administration building, but made no move to exit the car. Neither did anyone else. I sighed inwardly. What were they waiting for? A guided tour with the one person they could barely stand to be around?

"Headmaster Phillips will be waiting for you in his office," I said. "He will be able to fill you in on the accommodation arrangements in place for everyone, as well as the schedule he's put together for your visit."

"You're not coming?" Lissa asked. It was the first time she had spoken since we'd left the airfield, the first time she had spoken to me at all. I was stunned to realise she almost sounded like an upset child.

"No," I replied curtly. I shook my head before continuing to explain. "I have things I need to get done. Guardian Andrews will take you from here."

It was a lie. I had no idea if they bought it, but they at least began to file out of the car. Except Dimitri. He remained seated and buckled in next to me.

"You're her guardian," I said, in case he had somehow forgotten. "So go."

"She will be fine with Eddie and that other guardian," he replied as he stared out the windscreen. "I'm sure you will need help with the bags anyway."

"I seriously doubt that," I muttered as I pulled away from the building. "I'm not that seventeen year old you once knew. I'm sure as hell not weak." Okay, another lie. "Anyway, I thought you, of all people, would understand the danger present, even when safely behind the wards."

I saw him flinch from the corner of my eye and instantly wished I could take back those words. It was a low blow. Even after five years, it was obvious he was still haunted by what had happened to him.

I found myself hoping he didn't still blame himself for what he'd done during his brief stint as a strigoi. I shook those thoughts away. He'd made it perfectly clear that it was no longer my problem to deal with. I also didn't enjoy the reminder those thoughts brought with them.

I could in no way imagine how hard it had been for him when he'd been restored. But that restoration had caused him to hate instead of love me. It was selfish I know, but I found it hard to think about anything but the pain he'd caused me once he was dhampir again. What he'd said had been a million times worse than anything he'd done to me when he'd been strigoi.

Maybe I had the advantage of being able to know strigoi Dimitri hadn't been the person I'd fallen in love with. He'd lost his soul during the transformation. If only he'd been able to see that too.

I pulled the van into its designated spot in the garage and jumped straight out. I needed to avoid him. Twenty minutes in the car had been more than enough to last me a lifetime.

With his ridiculously long legs, Dimitri made it to the back of the van well before I did. He had it wide open, and was already unloading the few bags we had packed in. Even through his suit I could see his muscles work as he lifted and moved. A gasp spilled past my lips as I realised I was staring at him.

I had to fight to keep my guardian mask in place. He was affecting me too much, and I was finding it increasingly difficult to be near him. It was a relief when I saw him lift the last bag from the van, closing the swing door behind him, grunting with what sounded like exhaustion…perhaps impatience.

I turned my back to Dimitri as he busied himself with the pile of bags that had been left. I figured he was looking for Lissa's belongings, probably Christian's as well. I wasn't going to be much help with that since I had no idea what I'd be looking for. Plus I needed to get away from him for the sake of my own sanity.

I could only stay strong for so long before I would crash back to earth.

"Roza," he called as I neared the edge of the garage.

I was almost home free – or as free as I was going to be during the royal visit. I considered for a moment that it would be better – less painful – to just continue walking as if I hadn't heard him, but I knew I was going to have to face him at some stage. With a sigh I turned around, he was closing the distance between us quickly, striding with purpose.

"Yes Dim…Guardian Belikov?" I asked as I stammered around his name.

"Can we talk?" he enquired as he rose his left eyebrow. He face, as usual, was giving nothing away.

"I don't have time," I lied yet again, but there was only so many times I could hear those heartbreaking, gut wrenching words fall from his lips. Once had been enough to last me an eternity.

"Please," he said with a soft sigh. "It will only take a moment."

"Around here a moment is hard to come by Dimitri," I countered. "Anyway, you made your feelings perfectly clear five years ago. I got the message loud and clear, I doubt there's much more that needs to be said."

There. I'd said it, and I was sure that even my guardian mask had stayed intact. But as I looked up into those pools of chocolate that were his eyes I saw his was torn. What he had to be torn over, I had no idea. The voice that now voiced its bitter opinions over my head and heart was screaming at me to run.

But I couldn't move. I was frozen as I gazed into his eyes. For the first time since the attack on St Vlads I could see the man I'd fallen in love with. Strong, stoic, a God in every sense of the word. Yet buried inside of him was a whole other side, the one that showed tenderness and love. That's the side I caught a glimpse of as I stood in the garage. That's the side I wished had never left.

"I lied Roza," he whispered.

"Lied?" I questioned. "About what?"

While he might have answered with his lips, his reply held no words. One hand wound greedily around my waist while the other tilted my chin. Simultaneously he pulled me to him and angled my face to his. His lips met mine with an urgency I'd never felt before. He instantly took command of my mouth, his tongue enticing mine to join his sensual dance.

And I felt like he might actually suck the remaining life from my body right there and then.


End file.
